


A dozen shoulders not to cry on

by Skkia



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Bruises, Cutting, Depressing, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury, Major Character Injury, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:55:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22068145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skkia/pseuds/Skkia
Summary: Seventeen suddenly has a major problem, one of them is said problem, and he believes they are better off without him , none know how far it will go...this is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of them, these are characters heavily based upon the real people and is purely fanmade.Cheers!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> this is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of them, these are characters heavily based upon the real people and is purely fanmade.

The voices crept up from between his shoulder blades and up his spine to the deepest parts of his psyche.

Haunting, hurtful, true words.

they never cared if they never noticed anything unusual, they only noticed what was wrong with you.

«You're nothing without them, you only steal their spotlight with your selfish wishes and reasons.

Why should YOU be the one to shine out of all twelve who deserve it?

Keep lying, theyll find out. 

They hate you, and you deserve every piece of it.»

\----------------------------------------------------

Another day at practice, they were hardworking idols, as always, and diligent in getting their choreography synchronized with each member to another, working in sync.

Their new song was one with feelings, very specific feelings, feeling like you belong with someone, something that makes you feel at HOME.

All of them would say he strongly relates to it, he was even involved in the writing of it, like the other members. 

However. 

People don't always tell the truth. 

yes, he was lying. He didnt feel at home with them, with this, with himself. He was a stranger to his own being, no longer the happy, goofy, loud and slightly weird, young man that everyone loves. On the outside nothing had changed other than hairstyles and outfits for comebacks as well as makeup caked on to cover certain marks and eye bags acquired from sleepless nights and sorrowful delights, also called breakdowns. 

Things were most definitely changed in the inside, like a rotten egg, only certain indicators would warn you of its foul innards before you would either chuck it in the bin, or ignorantly crack it into your bowl, ruining everything that had once been contained in it. 

His mind was gone, replaced by daily torment and the occasional emptiness, if anyone were to look in his head they would be traumatized and, most of all, confused. No one would think he was going through this, sure, anyone can be sad, but him? No way, he was the one to cheer the rest up, who would think that the one spreading happiness would be the one needing it most?

He didn't get to feel happy, or anything at all for that matter.

If someone were to ask him to describe it, it would be like a crevasse, an endless crack to walk through. He was at the bottom trying to walk forwards with huge gusts of wind pelting him with air while people are walking by the edge at the top slightly sticking their hands out to help and continuing their way ahead. There is nothing in that crack, nothing to be happy about, no anything.

nothing

you're nothing

-

and even though he was only number five in ranking for amount of lines, he still felt like he would steal away precious lines that others who are deserving of it should have gotten. You know those line distribution videos on YouTube? Yes, he watched them, he didn't do it because of narcissism or for some sense of pride, quite the opposite, he had a bit of a confirmation bias, he needed to know how much of a horrible thief he was.

Of course, this only would fuel his mind, creating a titanium façade based on lies and deception, no one would notice, however. They had their own problems; injuries and sickness are rampant in the industry, especially with so many in a group to contaminate each other and the chances of at least one of them getting hurt is exponentially higher than any group with fewer members. 

In short, how could anyone notice a person trying to blend in with people who also had their problems? He was also damn good at it.

But there was one objective fact, 

Seungkwan was depressed.


	2. Part one

Seungkwan was utterly tired, his voice raspy, raw and muscles both burning and numb, he needed to keep going, his mind wouldn't let him do anything else. He had arrived a good hour and a half before the other members even though their practice started ridiculously early anyways, training hard to better himself, only putting enough food in him to last the strenuous days before the music video release and consequential comeback stage. Insecurity was a focus point in his endeavors to get thinner, better, better looking, and to be good enough in everyones eyes, mostly his fans.

He had somehow lost track of time when he suddenly snapped back to reality as his knee lost its strength, sending him to the floor, exhaustion taking its toll on the overworked boy. What great timing it must have been, because the others were just about to walk in, he hurried to his feet and practically inhaled a full bottle of water and about five whole cough tablets before almost choking on one as the door opened. He greatly regretted going so fast when the small adrenaline rush wore off and exhaustion almost overtook him once again, dizziness and nausea were plastered on his face from basically starving himself.

No doubt that the others had seen at least some of it as they had that face, you know it, that face of worry, the one you absolutely hate, the one I hate.

Why must they care so much about me? Why do they HAVE to give their attention to me, the only one here that doesn't deserve it, I work SO HARD, but I STILL don't cut it, hah get it?

I hate it? No, I can't, they worry about me, that's good!

But they don't have to worry about ANYTHING, Im not even someone anymore, why do I absolutely have to make them worry?

They love me though

**NO**

What?

**WHAT IS THERE TO LOVE? A HUSK? A SHELL? A USELESS WASTE OF HUMAN RESOURCES WHO ONLY CAUSES GRIEF AND WORRY?**

**JUST DIE**

**GO AWAY**


	3. Part two

«are you ok, Seung-ah?»

Jeonghan, that was Jeonghan.

«Hyung, whats wrong?»

Chan...

I didn't notice some tears had leaked from my eyes, «huh? What do you mean?»

And why were they talking so softly to me?

Quickly, I played it off as I was just drying off my sweat with my sleeve before going to get a wet towel to wash my face, «of course I'm ok.»

why wouldn't I be?

-

I didn't look ok by any means, I saw it in the mirror, deep set eyes and bags, pale, just looking weak. Luckily, everyone was concentrating on practicing, we were still at the early stages of practice, so everyone was extra concentrated on getting it right and remembering the moves, even though the dance was easy I kept messing up while I was lost in thoughts.

«Seungkwan! Just get it right! We have gone through this part a dozen times already, what's up with you today? this is so easy, too!» the too serious and short boy, also known as Jihoon, exclaimed. A little out of character I thought.

«Jihoon! Calm down, ok? I'm sure he's really trying, just like the rest of us, but you have a point. Kwannie, whats wrong?» Seungcheol, our leader, asked me.

I started to panic, no way were they going to find out, Jihoon even begun shouting at me, I'm not going to make them worry like this.

«oh, Im fine» I hate those words, «I just didn't get enough sleep and food, that's all, I can continue.»

«oh, I think it'd be better if you could take the rest of practice off for today and getting something to eat and resting, we have time to practice all together later», Seungcheol said in an authoritative manner.

I reluctantly agreed, fully knowing that I wouldn't do it, and that the rest were now going to leave a bit earlier as well. so, I hid until I heard the loud bickering between the members get louder and then eventually disappear. Finally, I had the practice room to myself since the door doesn't lock until someone comes in the late evening or night/very early morning to lock it manually, I could improve myself.

**That will never happen.**

**They will always look down on you.**

But they cared enough to give me time to rest.

**They only wanted you gone though, why else would they make you go away?**

They were just worried

**They were just tired of your bullshit, that's it.**

I decided instead of training to feel sorry for myself in the bathroom for a while, my headspace wasn't very healthy at the moment.

I walked out of the room, taking all my belongings with me, and headed for the toilets, on the way there, however I got caught on something. I didn't mind it and continued on my way, when I arrived, I removed my thin training jacket only to find a bloodied hole, confused, I felt around on my arm. I hit the wound when looking and winced, how didn't I feel it when I got cut?

Must've been something very sharp then, you don't feel it nearly as much when the thing that cut you is sharp, that's why sharp items are dangerous to handle, you never know when you get cut.

Strangely, I wasn't mad, or even sad, I felt...

**Relief.**

Touching it, I was feeling something, something other than pain, every thought about anything bad washed away at that moment, and in only that moment,

I got desperate after that, trying to claw at the wound, that proved to be too painful, I decided to wash away the blood and cover up till I got to the dorms. Unfortunately, I was in the room with the most people, with Chan and Junhui, that wouldn't work, I would have to sneak to the bathroom farthest away with whatever I wanted to use.

I hurried out with my bloodied jacket and the rest of my things, hoping that they weren't home

They wouldn't want you there anyways

I still went


	4. Part three

I eventually reached the dorms, it didnt seem like anyone was home, great, now I could be in peace while doing my deed. Throwing my stuff on my bed and the jacket in the wash, careful not to let the blood stain show, I trotted to the bathroom closest to our room. I changed my mind about using the bathroom farthest away since it would be more efficient to be closest to a change of clothes does the occasion ever occur.

Looking through the cabinets I found some old disposable razors we, for some reason, used way back when. I broke the cheap plastic off and looked at the two blades that had dropped from the shitty razor, taking some precaution, I washed my bicep with soap then rinsed it off.

Moment of truth

The blade punctured the layers of skin, small grimaces were on my face, finally finishing with the start of a relieving new path, I looked down. I had cut a bit deeper than I thought, I guess when you dont care about yourself you become somewhat immune to pain, or rather, more accepting, longing.

Another one, right above the first one, and a last one, cut like a tally mark, directly over the first two. Pain lingering, wavering, and abating. Then I was done, for now.

Luckily, I had been leaning over the sink because this was a complete mess, vivid red was splattered everywhere, mostly on the counter and down the drain, but some had gone on the floor as well. 

I took some bandages and placed it on the counter, not placing it where blood was dotted about. Not in the mood, I just rinsed off the three sizable cuts and the wound on my other arm with no regards for infections later, I had a good immune system anyways.

Wrapping my arms in just enough bandage strips and cleaning up my mess, I watched the blood swirl in the porcelain and run down the drain, mesmerising indeed. I went into my room and picked out a hoodie to wear for the foreseeable future and a pair of pyjama pants, why not?

Realizing that I, indeed, was very hungry and that didnt mix well with the sudden blood loss, as I was very dizzy. I walked down the stairs slowly towards to kitchen, hood fully hooded. My best bet was probably an apple or a banana, so that's what I went with. 

Having already come down from my high I began thinking while chewing an apple piece.

«Did that really happen? I, the silliest and happiest member, just cut for the first time? What would the others think?

What if they find out?

What would I say then?»

Regardless of the things clogging up my brain, there was one thing:

Thunderous roars with guttural shouting, projections of horrible nature, feelings of all kinds

All gone.

**I was hooked**


	5. Part four

-pov change-

We went to eat right after ending the practice early, I left them at the restaurant after only eating a small portion of food, since I had eaten a few snacks during practice. The others wouldn't arrive home for a while, so I really only wanted to go home and read for a while, maybe check on Seungkwan.

the door opened and I quickly noticed that it was quiet, interestingly. Moving from the front door to the living room I found Seungkwan, laying on the sofa, curled up with his hood on, an apple core laying on the coffee table, and tears had made their mark on his face. 

As third oldest, Joshua felt a somewhat caring nature towards his youngest teammates, not as much as Jeonghan, though Jeonghan prefers to be taken care of more than the latter. Joshua, more recently, has been labelled as more of a joker, though his title of gentleman still stands.

I tried to wake him gently, brushing his newly dyed, blue hair from his face, as well as removing the hood slightly from his head. I got a good look at his face, he somehow had acquired eyebags and puffed, red eyes in the time we left the practice room, not to mention that he also had cried at some point.

Now I was really worried, he hadn't woken up from my gentle shaking, so I started to call his name. «Seungkwan? Seunggie? Wake up and tell me what happened»

Seungkwan somewhat stirred from his sleep, looking downtrodden, «what?»

I guess he realized something, because he suddenly jumped away slightly, scooting back on the couch with a wide-eyed expression, panting slightly.

«what... what's wrong?» I puzzledly asked. I didn't know what could possibly make him act like this, he'd been weird all day, but not necessarily afraid.

He hurriedly took the apple remnants, left the room, threw away the core, and left me on the sofa, confused.

An idea came to my head, I could create a new chat with all of the members, excluding Seungkwan, to talk about him as this was far from normal behaviour.

So, I did.

«I think there' s something really wrong with Seungkwan.»

-sent

I waited for a while before getting a reply;

-Chan

«why did you make a new chat? And what do you mean there's something wrong? I haven't noticed anything except for this morning.»

-Junhui

«yeah, I'd think we'd notice, too. We do sleep in the same room as him»

Frustratedly, I typed out my reply before anyone else could say something, I really thought they would be more concerned about his wellbeing.

«you don't understand though, he's really out of it right now, he fell asleep on the sofa with his hood up and when I went to wake him up he was suddenly really afraid of something, it looked as if he'd been crying, too. He had red eyes and all.»

-sent

At this point I wasn't very calm, as I would usually be, I was genuinely worried, and no one was taking it seriously, so far at least.

-Minghao

«he's not ok? I thought this morning was a one-time-thing, we need to talk to him! He usually doesn't cry unless it's really bad.»

«Seungcheol! What should we do?»

-Seungcheol

«we'll talk about it tomorrow, we're all tired and we need rest»

The rest of the conversation went back and forth between the ones who gave a shit and the ones who were too tired.

It ended up with the decision to delay the family talk till tomorrow, to my dismay.

I just hope he won't do anything stupid.


	6. Part five

-pov change-

My arm hurt, no wonder, I had slept with my head resting on the wounds, the hoodie I was still wearing had luckily not been pulled up to reveal the bandages. Looking over to the other occupants of the room, I noticed that they had not yet woken up, it was too early. sleeping for most of yesterday was not a good idea as now I had to wait for the rest to wake up, we still had practice today, go figure. Walking down the stairs and going into the kitchen, I grabbed an apple again and began eating it on the floor in front of the sofa, cross-legged. I felt to some extent better than yesterday, not happier, just less wretched. 

Joshua must have been weirded out by my demeanor yesterday, to say the least, I'll have to talk to him, not make him think about, it wouldn't be fair on him.

As the members filed into the room sometime later, they gave me some weird looks, I swiftly averted my gaze, feeling insecure. I had grabbed my phone on the way down, so I just scrolled through Instagram, noting that it was a while since anything from my account had been posted, my fault.

A cough was heard but was ignored.

«Seungkwan, I think we need to talk»

My head tilted upwards to meet the gazes of my members, as they promptly filled up the sofa, floor, and/or space in front of the tv. I began to tense up, noticeably, looking around in confusion.

Had they found out?

«...Kwan?»

Only hearing the last part of my name, I perked up.

«yeah what is it?» I said with the slightest shake of my head.

They totally had found out, I'm screwed.

«can you explain why Joshua was so worried yesterday?» Seungcheol inquired.

«I um. Stressed I was stressed, and tired, I just had a lot on my mind, but I'm fine! Totally fine, you don't need to worry. At all.» That was not in any way convincing. Their faces got less serious, more empathetic, sad, doubtful even.

«you can talk with-»

«I know!»

That wasn't a good idea, I instantly covered my mouth in shock, realizing that they really didn't believe me now. I stood up, startling most of them, muttered a quick apology, and ran for the bathroom to be alone. Vernon decided that it'd be a good idea to reach for me, he grabbed my arm, just as I was about to pull away, I let out a small yelp of sharp pain, he had grabbed it in just the wrong way. I ripped myself away, backed off, turned, and ran for it, all in a split second.

before any of them could reach me, I had already locked the door behind me when I felt a burning in my upper respiratory system, right above my collarbones. Quiet sobs wrecked my body as well as blood that seeped out from the reopened wounds, right through the bandages I placed, meant only for a small bit of blood. The hoodie had been black; however, such a large stain was noticeable, regardless. 

«just leave me be!» I bellowed, the ruckus stopped for a moment, I took the opportunity to open the door, briskly walk past, down the stairs again and out the door. I didn't care about the fact I had pajama pants and a significant bloodstain on my hoodie, I only put on my shoes, took a jacket, and bid my members a quick goodbye, I was going on a walk.


	7. Part six

They didn't know what had just unfolded before them, they had met up in the living room after some had tried to run after Seungkwan and the rest had a delayed reaction. The elder members had decided to stand by the sofa, near the door as to make place for the younger members on the couch.

«What just happened?» a very confused Soonyoung asked.

«yeah, and... wait, what is this?» Seungcheol inquired, referring to the frame of the front door, he walked over and quickly realized the red smudge on the frame and door was a small stroke of blood, as if someone smeared it there.

«oh god, he's hurt! No wonder he he felt pain when Vernon grabbed him! Why didn't I notice?»

«How are you sure he's hurt though?» Dokyeom asked «that isn't guaranteed to be blood, and who's to say it's his?»

«We could check the bathroom...» Wonwoo contributed, unsure of what else to say, «you know, to see if there's blood there, too».

«any one of you do it, I'll clean up the blood... uegh... down here»

.

«You guys don't seem very concerned»

-

After checking the bathroom and, of course, trying to call him, only to realize that he had left his phone on the coffee table, the small group came back with results, they had indeed found more small swatches of blood, as well as dried tears that had mixed with the liquid.

Mingyu and Wonwoo both went up to clean the mess, since they both liked things clean, besides, no one wanted stains on the walls and doors.

This whole time, many of the members were completely silent, they didn't know what to say, they'd never experienced this before, at least not with another member. Many were too afraid to ask anything, worried they might say the wrong thing, right now everyone was too on-edge.

One person got the courage to ask «What do we do?», But no one bothered to pay attention to whom said it.

-

Meanwhile, Seungkwan was walking in the cold, it was winter, hence why he was freezing, he didn't care though. He only wanted peace, what didn't they understand about that? It's not their fault they were worried, but he felt he expressed it well enough that he didn't want to be interrogated. The rather thin jacket did a good enough job in covering the blood, but nothing about it gave enough protection to be effective against the sharp wind and slight snowfall. The shoes he chose were surprisingly slippery as well, nothing like a cold day with unsuitable clothes, open wounds, and slippery shoes. 

The most important thing right now, though, was that he didn't get noticed by anyone. No idol, no matter their situation, would want to be caught in a situation like this, walking in pajama pants and all of the other bad things, looking worse than ever. He was unfortunate enough not to have a mask with him, an essential item, but fortunate enough that it was both very early, resulting in fewer people, and he had a dark hood.

You would think the others would have gotten the idea of chasing after him, but he wasn't very surprised they didn't do it, seventeen had a kind of mob mentality. They wouldn't really think clearly when they were together, it would be a mess if they all were to voice their opinions, there were too many people to do that, so they just all adopted the ability to all somewhat think the same things. Not like a superpower or anything, they just knew roughly what the others would say and do, and that's the power of family, though Seungkwan didn't feel he deserved them.

Seungkwan wanted to walk for a while, just forget about them and everything else for a while. Not having his wallet with him was a disadvantage, when wouldn't it be? He couldn't pay for a ride to somewhere, couldn't pay for a room at a hotel if he wanted some real time alone. while he was severely overthinking these things he noticed that he had walked quite far, he didn't recognize exactly where he was, but he did know that it was abandoned, going off the fact that plants were overgrown everywhere and bottle glass was scattered amongst the half decayed plant matter, it was a safe bet.

Thoroughly frozen now, he decided to just go to the roof of one of the buildings and have a look, it seemed interesting enough.

Getting up was not an easy task, the doors were locked and shards of glass lodged in the window frames were too many to ever try to bypass, the fire escape was the best option, but even those were for the most part rusted as well as falling apart. Keeping close to the wall where the most support was, Seungkwan climbed up on the roof, went to the edge, and sat down, admiring the view.

«how long have I been gone now? At least two hours at least, I need to get back»

After not too long, around ten minutes, he decided to just head back. feeling the frozen, not dried, spot on the hoodie under the jacket.

He sighed.


	8. Part seven

I took a longer route, perhaps to delay the inevitable, though the walk was long when i walked to the abandoned buildings, I still wanted to just disappear so walking slower was the best option right now. My mind is blank, nothing really going through it, but sometimes I would get these tsunamis of self-hate.

«seventeen doesn't care about me, they would have found me by now and helped me, they really didn't notice anything wrong? The fans are right, though there are people who also say good things, theyre just ignorant, they're blind, amazing people, but fools. I am nothing but a burden if I allowed myself to be feeling this way when they also struggle, why did this even happen in the first place? Why was I chosen to be In the group? Why is everyone blind?

Why me!»

I noticed the silence.

I imagine it was getting a bit late now as it's getting dark, damn, I didn't mean to stay for so long, at least 7 hours must have gone by, how the hell did that even happen? Being lost in your thoughts must be one of the best ways to pass time then, was I at that roof for longer than I thought, Sitting by the edge? maybe I'd rather be standing on the edge, maybe I'd rather be falling off the edge, and maybe I'd rather be at the bottom, gone. it was unrealistic to think someone could be gone for almost an entire day an dnot know it, i certainly thought so, but i Guess it's possible.

I reached the dorms, taking much, much longer than I intended, would I trouble the others? No, probably not. It would be smart to take precautions anyways though, I looked through the windows, not seeing any movements, or any lights for that matter. Walking through the door after unlocking it with our spare key was stressful, going to the place you want to be at the least wasn't a good feeling. 

As soon as I walked through the door the warmth hit me, I didn't notice how cold I was, but I did notice a note left on the sofa.

«we'll talk when we get back, I'm sorry that we had to go, we were kind of forced to go to practice haha. 

But, please don't push us away, we care about you and we know there's something going on, please just talk to us»

I got angry, at myself, they did worry, and it's my fault. They do't need the extra stress, they don't deserve to have someone to bring them down, I only need myself for that. I couldn't care less that they worried and care for me, they shouldn't have to in the first place.

The paper was quickly crumpled up and tossed on the couch.

You know what? Maybe I just longed for a way to get rid of these feelings, get some happier ones, and maybe I could purge them out.

Taking off my shoes and jacket I bolted up the stairs and into the bathroom, taking my new favorite item, and bracing myself, lets hope this works.

Taking a chance and swiftly cutting a gash in my bicep, I cringed in pain but felt lighter, like I weighed nothing, another one was added and I truly felt as if all bad was quickly leeching out of my useless self, a laugh escaped my lips and I continued on for what seemed like forever, countless cuts now littering each arm.

Oh, what a relief, giggling like some maniac while butchering my own skin, the pain no longer bothering me though I still very much felt it.

This is so not me, what am I doing?

What the hell am I doing!?

A clink echoed throughout the room, the razor dropped, blood flinging off it onto the halfway flooded floor, and heavy breaths. An anguished scream left my throat, a long one, I dont doubt my throat is bleeding too. Sobs, whimpers, vocal heavy sighs, dropping to the floor, it happened so fast. Too tired to do anything but cry, I made an attempt at cleaning everything up, wiping the blood with toilet paper and tossing it in the toilet, rinsing my arms, bandaging them, then picking up the razor.

I was too dizzy to pay any special attention to anything in particular, again, not caring about infections. While picking the razor up it cut me several times on my fingers, making me lose more blood.

When everything was as before, I changed my hoodie for a new one, went to the washroom to toss the old one in the hamper and promptly fell over, leaning my back and head against the wall, the last thing I saw being the yellow light emanating from the hallway.


	9. Part eight

(POV change)

The practice today was pretty brutal, not in the sense that it was hard training, but rather that we didn't feel complete, we had trained with members missing before, but this was different. We had no idea where Seungkwan was, and worst of all, we couldn't wait for him, we had to leave about two hours after he left and after ten hard hours of training we were done.

This was the last bit of training before a rest day so we had to go hard and try our best, we, of course, didn't really do that. After a long session we ventured home, throats burning and legs wobbly.

The quiet dorm was inviting, but soundless, the note was crumpled up on the side, a sign that Seungkwan was home, but was also nowhere to be seen. We all went to look, brushing my blond hair out of my face and heading for the bathrooms I saw nothing special, just that the sink was wet, and slightly tinted? Was it always like that?

My thoughts broke as I heard a loud «Seungkwan!», it was relatively close so I hurried out of the room towards the voice.

Some members, including Jihoon, who was the one who shouted, were huddled together in the doorway of the washroom, Minghao, who had leapt forwards towards him, leaning over the unconscious body of our third youngest, not having enough space for anyone else beside him.

I suddenly shoved him back and tried to lift Seongkwan up, I only got his torso off the floor before «Jeonghan! What ar-».

«Just help me lift him!»

With the help of Seungcheol and Mingyu, as they were rather strong, we lifted him up and carefully carried him past a crying Vernon and befuddled members to the sofa, no wonder Vernon cried, he's the one who gets scared the easiest. And Seungkwan was deathly pale and cold.

«Dammit, I told you there was something wrong!» Joshua cried, «I knew there was something and now look what happened!»

«We should have done something before this even happened» I added, solemnly, while pulling a blanket over the passed out boy.

Then, a very important question was asked;

«Wait, why did he really hurt when I grabbed him?»

Stares were on the second youngest, then they redirected their gaze to the third youngest, I lifted his sleeve and gasps reverberated throughout the room.

There, the precious arm of the happiest and cheeriest member was covered in a thick bandage, blood from underneath making the white a slight off-pink, hurriedly I lifted second sleeve and discovered a similar sight, not even gasps were heard. Instead, sobs and hiccups were made out.

«You dont think he... Hyungs? What if he did it himself?» The 'he' said on a breath take.

«W-we cant rule a-anything out, let's lets hope not» the choreographer of the Group, Soonyoung, struggled to stammer out, his characteristically narrow eyes puffed up, could he even see anymore?

Before anyone could add anything to the conversation, Seungkwans breathing became labored, shallow, and fast before his eyes shot open, lurching forwards and wildly peering over our faces. Trying to stand up didn't work as both I and Chan pinned him down, a horribly pained expression befell his face as he let out a prolonged shriek with his, now, crackling voice. We had, in our haste to keep him down, grabbed his forearms harshly and squeezed them quite hard.

I let go of him slightly, deciding to give him a tight but gentle hug and letting him sob into my shoulder, Chan also had let go and wrapped himself around us, and I now felt an immeasurable amount of guilt.

Now none of our eyes were dry, that is, if any of them were in the first place, even those who were relatively numb at this point, they hadn't gone through this before.

«I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm-I'm so sorry a-aa-ahhh» the shattering boy struggled to get out, ending with a failing attempt to continue with the apologies, shaky screams and speaking voice stuck in his throat. I imagine at least.

He didn't seem like he was entirely there, just a small being, rambling away while the real Seungkwan had repressed himself deep within his mind, he was no longer even talking in any language I'd ever heard.

«wh- what a-are you sorry for?» I choked out, genuinely confused as he continued to frantically ramble, eyes wider than we'd ever seen them.

-

-

«iii-a I don't want to be he-here anymore»

«I'm- I'm j-just a weight pulling you down, ah- I can't even be the mood maker in the group a-anymore», he coughed, trying to settle his voice, maybe to stabilize it.

«I can't anymore, I've tried for so long now that Im tired, i'm tired of everything!»

«What are you saying? What, are you trying to say that you're tired of living or something?» Minghao, quite aggressively, butted in, eyes still glazed.

-

-

«yes»

Shock.


	10. Part nine

(POV change)

Did I make progress? yes but was it ever enough? of course not. Nothing ever works, and that is what hurts the most, seeing the ones you love the most in the world improve so quickly, but feel so behind and jealous, you weren't supposed to be jealous of your family.

"...", silent words formed from their expressions, mouth agape, cheeks wet again, devastated look in their eyes.

"I mean... uh"

After a short pause and a sigh, I continued with my statement.

"I DO want to live! But not like this! I want to just die instead of living this life, I can't get any peace from my head, it never stops! Why won't it stop!", I grabbed my head, slouched over and bellowed, "I'm not even living anymore!"

"I won't blame you for feeling guilty that you never noticed, that's exactly what I wanted to happen, that you wouldn't. but you did find out..."

"at this point just staple a big red neon sign that says 'ERROR' on it on my head" I motioned to my forehead and snickered with a smirk, finding my sudden self-deprecating humor amusing. That might have not been one of my greatest ideas, the horrified look on my band's faces told me as much.

"What?" I said, suddenly having gotten over my fit of complete despair, the traces of it still present on my face, cackling louder as I genuinely didn't understand what was so wrong. 

Had I lost myself that much?

My vision had clouded over at some point, now not quite so sure who was in front of me and who reached forwards to cup my face.

"Seungkwan, talk to us... we won't know what's going on with you if you just avoid us" ah, so it seems it is our wonderful leader, caring as always.

"ha, didn't I just tell you why, though? I'm not lying you know."

I was starting to feel that this situation had become a bit humorous, for me, that is to say, I don't know about the rest though.

I mean, it's not a big deal!

They were pretty sad though, it seemed, but I wasn't, why would they be then? 

...

Oh, no, it was, it totally was a big deal, what have I done? I hadn't taken into consideration as to how they felt about this, seeing one of their members completely lose their mind.

I hadn't noticed, either, that one of my hands had laid itself on top of one of Seungcheol's strong ones, the other one hanging in front of his other one, still on my cheek. A stray tear leaked from my empty, clouded, tired eyes, "how could I do this to you", just barely under a whisper and not enough for anyone to hear. My face had fallen into a slightly solemn but mostly blank expression, my head slumped forwards and I stood up, ignoring the way Chan, Jeonghan and, now, Seungcheol as well, were still somewhat holding onto my arms. 

It didn't hurt anymore, wholly uncaring regarding the lacerations which had been done by my own hand. After the blood loss and the extended period where I was unconscious, I was therewith weak, they stopped me easily.

"let's uh... let's at least clean up the wounds, then? They must have opened after they... grabbed you, we don't want them to get infected, do we?" Soonyoung said with what looked like an attempt at a smile, typical, always tries to get the mood up when it's low, though he usually stays quieter when the mood is good.

Not saying anything and just letting him take my hand to lead me to the bathroom, he lifted my sleeves and scrunged up his face, I sighed, the blood had seeped fully through. 

Removing the bandages didn't hurt, ripping off scabs dried to the old bandages didn't hurt, having him put disinfectant on the sores didn't hurt, him tightly wrapping my arms in several layers of bandages and gauze didn't hurt. 

the face he made, the salty liquid that streamed out of his eyes at a steady rate and the hitching in his breath, did. It hurt more than anything, everything about how they reacted was the most painful thing I'd ever felt, most certainly not the good pain I felt from self-mutilation.

The arms were done, we stood there for a few seconds, then I hugged him tightly, taking him by total surprise in which he also quickly wrapped his arms around me, the crook of his neck being a very comfortable for my head right now.

"I just want to go sleep right now, hyung, I'm so tired"

"Yeah, let's get you to bed then"

-

Downstairs was quiet, only the sound of irregular breathing was heard, only when Soonyoung appeared again was any kind of voice heard, "he was tired so he went to bed, no wonder"

"You should have seen it, it's so much worse than you think, it's impossible to describe other than 'he butchered his arms'" he said with too much emotion to distinguish which. Seemingly cliché, he started to quietly and grossly sob right away, walking towards his members and collapsing into their comforting touches.

-

Upstairs, again, Seungkwan was tired, he hadn't lied about that, but he wouldn't be going to sleep quite yet.

Instead, he decided to write something, a small note, just in case.

Now it was just time to wait for the right moment.


	11. Part ten

No breaks were given, we were still waking up early and practicing even as soon as the day after the day after I severely messed up, as we had been given a rest day regardless, as far as I know. My cuts, despite being somewhat old, two days to be exact, were still bleeding every once in a while, especially since any movements would tug at the bandages and shift the wounds from side to side, they were not large enough to stitch up, but by god were there a lot of them. 

Everyone had ransacked both bathrooms for anything sharp enough to even just cut margarine, they did not trust me at all, fair enough, I would only find something else and somewhere else to lacerate my skin, or maybe just scratch, tug and squeeze harshly at the already existing wounds.

It itched, I wanted nothing but to rip my skin off of my forearms, hopefully ripping out the nerves too. Maybe I should grow my nails a bit out then? It'd be easier to inflict as much intentional pain then.

When we got a small break I sighed, I am destroying myself, I can never go out with short sleeves or have any concept outfit with anything shorter than to my wrists, which were left unscarred for now. They can never trust me fully again. I can never be me again.

There are now a lot of things I can never be, caused by my hands, shills went over my skin and caused scalp and muscles to tense up. It wasn't cold, but just the thought that I'd changed my closest friends, family, for the worse made me more disappointed with myself, it always gets worse doesn't it? 

There isn't a bottom point, no hard base far down, you could consider death as the bottom point, but then the phrase 'if you're at the bottom then there's no other way than up' is a lie, you can't come back from death. I felt like I wasn't quite there, rather, I was standing on a ledge over it, waiting to jump to the bottom, never to get back up.

"Seungkwan? May I talk to you?" Our manager called out, blankly staring I followed out, feeling the looks the others gave me, the door closed, and I was alone with the man who basically held my whole career in his hand.

"I think it's best if you go on hiatus for a while, you could get some therapy to help you with your feelings and the rest will promote on their own if this will take longer than expected, I'm sorry that I might sound harsh, but it's much better to say it bluntly instead of leaving you confused." 

"..." , I said nothing, only tilting my head forwards, looking at the floor in front of my manager.

"Do you agree? Will you try out therapy? You can quit anytime you want, just... just try it, for yours-"

"I don't care about myself, and I don't feel anything" I interjected.

"Then do it for them! You care about them, don't you?!"

"Yeah of course I do! But how will the fact that I can feel somewhat like less of a husk help them? That is if the therapy even works! I will not, and I mean never, take a hiatus because I feel like I want to die, the only reason I would ever do that is if I actually were dead, I cannot drag them down even more than I have the past few days, I won't allow me or anyone else to do that!"

"Push all you want, but the answer is and will always be, no, I don't care for me, but I'm not going to make them suffer from worry for the fact I need another person to pry my sadness out of me, I'll deal with it alone."

And with that I stormed through the door, I intended to at least, the door was no longer as closed as it was, it had been opened, someone had been listening in on our conversation. I slowed down, realizing what had transpired, I turned my head slightly spoke a short "miahnaeyo" before finally walking through the door.

-

The rest of practice went without much hassle, any long-sleeved shirt was too hot, to my dismay so I had to wear a T-shirt, this led to worried glances from everyone when we did anything close to exhilarating, their fear was justified as the bandages were growing steadily darker from all of the blood leaking as the wounds tore open repeatedly, I wasn't bothered, but I didn't want to let them see too much. I didn't want them to see as much as Soonyoung did, so I excused myself once I felt I needed to change it, went to the bathroom with my bag, and removed the cloth.

At once It began to drip, I then tried to hurry a bit more, as I didn't want to have to clean a bunch when I was already tired, running water on the arm worked a bit. I dried off the rest with paper then wrapped up my forearms as tightly as I could, careful not to hinder any movement in my elbow. I actually wrapped a bit more than I needed, I felt I needed some 'relief' later.

The mirror in from of me showed a shell, my eyes were dark from exhaustion, my cheeks were slightly more sunken in, my skin was paler, but I still looked... darker, for a lack of better, well, everything. The white fabric encasing my arms was already turning pink from the liquid shining through, this isn't how I want to be, I thought.

Just a thought about how the fans knew nothing about this, how they would react if it ever came out, if they started to dislike seventeen, the most talented boys I know, it all made me feel worse, or less.

The ledge was crumbling, almost not giving me a chance to hold on anymore, I wanted to let go though.

"Seungkwan! Are you ok in there? I could help you with the bandages if you're struggling."

"no, it's fine, Soonyoung, I can manage" my voice sounded dull, crackly, like I'd been crying, I guess I had, tears were there from my little thought session just now.

"I've seen it already, I can help... ok then, just hurry up and get back, were worried"

Opening the door, smiling slightly, grabbing his hand and walking back to the practice room, "ok hyung, I guess I'll go back then"


	12. Part eleven

I'm not so sure how anyone could hurt themselves, do they just use the excuse that they're sad? if so, how could anyone be sad enough to actively damage themselves? That's just stupid!

That was the kind of mindset I had not too long ago, oh blissful ignorance, they say it's a saving grace, by far it was anything but that, it's a destroying force. You don't notice anything wrong until the last moment you get to change withers away, there is, in fact, a line you can cross to get too far, too deep.

.

After the practice I went to do the deed, no, not what you're thinking of or the next, but same place, I'd been effectively bleeding out for hours now, without feeling much pain that is. It was about time to feel some more, the torment just beginning to get too much again, deciding against adding more to my arms I reckoned I'd be better off with something else, like bruises to my legs, deep, dark ones.

The hardest and closest thing became my tool of choice, my phone, it's designed to last right? An experimental hit was made to my knee, jerking my leg as my reflex kicked in, the muscle releasing a deep throbbing ache followed by tenderness, no bruise yet. Another hit was made around mid-thigh, the skin rippling, was that fat? I think I need to eat less then.

The noise of repeated hits mixed with small groans and yelps overpowered any other sound that might have been made, the phone enduring the force being put on it.

"We're going soon, hurry up, we're not going to wait for long you know!"

Getting out of my trance I answered with a "I'll be out soon Jihoon hyung!", did what I intended to do when I got here and cleaned up as much as I could, just another day.

He decided to join me on my return to get our things so we could venture home.

"Kwannie, wait, stop for a moment. I need to talk to you."

Stopping, I looked at the short boy, "yeah?"

"It's just ah we're really worried you know? I know you've heard it a dozen times already, but it's true" he grabbed my hands, weird, he's not one for skinship, "please, tell me what's going on, what you're thinking to make you do this yourself, I'm begging you!"

Evading my gaze away I muttered an answer, "I just don't feel like I'm worth it"

"Like the world is overpopulated and I'm in the percentage that is best off gone from here, that I take up resources and space anyone else could have gotten, that I'm a weight pulling you down. just look at our situation now, don't tell me that I am not affecting everything about this comeback, hell, this group! Without me everything would be better, work smoother, be more positive. I can't keep the mood up anymore, not when there are many others who do a better job at it, I am just irrelevant at this point!"

I had brought his hands closer to me, along with him, craving human contact.

"I won't say that you know you're loved, but I will say that Í know you're loved, you don't know how much you matter, when we practiced that day without you we felt emptier, including less energetic, we didn't get much done and the fact that your vocals reminded us how much you suffered to suddenly run away left us so disappointed in ourselves, we hadn't noticed, how couldn't we notice?" A stray tear followed the curves of his face to his jaw, dropping on my hand.

"Ah I'm sorry, anyways, you shouldn't need to feel like that. Just- ah- just tell us when you need anything, maybe just to talk, literally anything. We'll be here"

A pause, in which I downturned my head followed by a nod.

"And you know, we might not seem very emotionally invested right now, but we're just a bit confused and overwhelmed, so please help us understand so we could help you in turn, ok?"

I registered that he was less confrontational than usual, cautious as if he was stepping around broken tiles to avoid falling through the floor, he was scared for me.

An answer never left my mouth, the only confirmation he got was a tight hug I had pulled him into, the feeling of someone there for me was intoxicating and it only increased when he hugged back just as fiercely.

"We don't want to lose you"

He pulled away after some time only to grasp my face by the sides to pull me closer to him, "understand? We CANNOT lose you; I don't know what we would do then". Our foreheads touched as I observed my short hyung be more emotionally open than I, or any of our members, had seen him in a while. 

Exhaustion has lingered with me for so long, but this time I couldn't help but to wholly relax my head on his, holding his hands firmly against where he had placed them, "ok, I understand".

"Great! Because we're about to leave and we need to hurry! Cmon!"

Dragging me along to our practice room, we picked up our stuff and rushed out to our, dare I say, family?

Today wasn't as bad as other days, it was great, I felt something, something other than emptiness and despair.

I was happy.

Getting in the van wasn't scary, my vocal team members already having been seated, with the exclusion of Jihoon leading me hand-in-hand to the vehicle.

"Is our vocal line maknae feeling better?" my sensitive hyung, Seokmin, asked while I leaned into his side as I entered and sat down.

I had been quite needy for affection today, so I quickly clung to him, waiting for him to hang his arm around me before I answered.

"I'm feeling so much better!"


	13. part twelve

Good days come and go, and as fast as the day got good it went away.

We had just gotten home, the warmth of our dorms replacing the cold permeating our bodies as we had been outside in the winter weather. As we had been a bit delayed due to, well, me, our car was the last to arrive home.

Everyone filed in and distributed throughout the dorms, joining in whatever the others were doing, I assumed that someone would cook something, however, I wasn’t hungry. Food wasn’t a priority for me, and it certainly wasn’t an exception now, I mean, I did eat something earlier today, what was it again? Doesn’t matter, I know that I ate something, that’s all I need.

To brighten the mood, Seokmin suggested we put on a movie of some kind, just to put some ease on our minds, no one had objected so it was official. When Seokmin had set most things up and food was made by Seungcheol, everyone met up in the living room to watch what Seokmin had chosen. it wasn’t anything noteworthy, but as long as everyone was together then everything was going to be ok, that was the thought anyway.

As always, our practice ended late, a bit later than usual, hence why everyone eventually fell asleep, all except me.

I had been left with only my mind as company, nothing was there to stop any of the things that might happen, it felt like I had betrayed them by going so blatantly behind their backs to do exactly what they didn’t want me to do. So, as I was in the bathroom, slamming some arbitrary object into my already multi-coloured knees, something unexpected happened. Maybe for the better, I thought as shards from the broken makeup mirror stuck out at all angles, it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to choose the mirror over literally anything else, but I couldn’t care less.

The blood flow seemed to restrict my brain from thinking clearly, some time passed before I succumbed to exhaustion, the image of a broken and battered boy cut to shreds so graphically set-up in the bathroom one of nightmares.

-

We were physically tired from the training but moreso mentally worn-out from everything that has transpired for the last week, more or less, we couldn’t keep track. As we eventually woke up one after one, we began to feel something wrong, and, more importantly, where was our youngest vocalist? “ok...” someone breathed some short, stabilizing breaths, “let’s hold off on panicking for now, let’s just look for him. Calmly!” reading our thoughts, Joshua made an order, the calm person he is, though his calm demeanour had faltered quite a bit, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

No one listened, practically everyone sprinted to the place wherein there was the most chance he would be found, that presumption turned out to be correct as a line of red had slipped under the closed door and leading straight to a sight no one in the room had ever wanted to see.

“no nO NO NOT AGAIN!” someone shouted before the door even opened, knowing full well what was going on, it only got louder as the door opened and everyone started screaming the broken boy’s name, running to him.

Vernon tried to remove the glass shards stuck deep in his legs, believing it would be best, but he was quickly stopped, "do NOT touch that Vernon, you’ll kill him!” “It’s the only thing stopping even more from coming out!” “Call 119 instead!”the three eldest collaborated on saying, all of them surrounded Seokmin who had Seungkwan’s head in his lap while trying to keep the tears from dripping down on his face, Seokmin has always been sensitive but it seems like everyone had adopted that trait in that moment.

Fumbling with the first phone he saw while stuttering out small apologies, Vernon called the emergency number, only when the operator answered did reality set in and he bawled, not being able to talk. The phone was quickly snatched away by Seungcheol who was barely keeping it together himself, “our brother managed to stab himself in the leg with some glass, he’s going to bleed out!”

“ok, sir, please calm down, we’ll send someone down right away, can you tell me where you are located?”

After he struggled to give the information the operator needed while a panic attack was building up, he ended the call, threw away the phone, shattering it in the process, and made some space for when the ambulance would come.

The worst moments in their idol life were when four left the group far in the past, and this. Seeing the happy-go-lucky boy being rushed out, tourniquet so tight it might as well sever his thinner-than-I-remember thigh, covered in his own vital fluid, lifted into the ambulance and driven away, THAT was the worst moment, not that any other ‘worst moments’ would come, no, that wasn’t the thought, but that this would always stick with us no matter how much we would try to forget, there would always be reminders.

“let’s go!” several people exclaimed before the rest argued against it as there was no way we would be able to see him so early at the hospital, making us wait for an unnecessarily long amount of time while the doctors worked on him. It ended up in a heated argument, more violent than we’d ever argued, everyone got in everyone’s faces and screams were exchanged between a random assortment of members.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Silence engulfed us as Jihoon screamed higher than any of us, easily overpowering our voices, being fuelled by pure frustration.

“let’s not forget the fact that Kwannie is DYING, and we are all just clawing at each other’s throats for no other reason than a disagreement” he struggled to choke back the sad emotions as he scolded us, “we HAVE to get to a compromise, we can go separately but I also think we need each other right now, we could go to the hospital and wait a crazy amount of time, or, instead, we could clean up a bit here. We're going to be tired when we eventually get back and I don’t think we want to clean then, right?”

A short pause ensued followed by approval, again, that was interrupted by “I’m sorry I’m not a good leader, I should have stopped the argument, more importantly I should have stopped this entire situation from ever happening in the first place, god I’m a joke of a leader, I think I was chosen just because I’m the oldest to be honest.”

Seungcheol sunk to the floor, his strong frame shaking with an unknown mix of feelings, the rest mute as once again they didn’t know what to do or say, afraid of setting off anyone.

“let’s... just clean, shall we? We’ll go visit later when we have a chance to see him... then?”, the broken-hearted oldest muttered hesitantly while staring at his dirtied hand.

We dispersed, cleaning up the mess from both the lovely movie we had watched, and the gory mess left behind of our dearly beloved brother.


End file.
